Recently, I've noticed several absences in my mentor's class. And the students who do attend class complain about being tired and how much work they have to do and how busy they are all the time.
I listen and give them advice on balancing their schedules better, but I have come to realize most of the time they just want to complain. They don't want help or advice. They want someone to rub their tummies and tell them they work so hard and it's okay if they don't have things done or if they don't show up for an entire week.
I know I am beginning to sound rant-y, but these issues have really got me thinking of some bigger things. Namely, I have been thinking about how these students don't even see how their professors and other people also have lives and struggles and busy schedules. I am taking classes, writing 5 times longer papers, teaching, and tutoring among my personal life. And while I find myself frustrated sometimes that it takes so much effort to break through their self-interested mindsets to show them "Grad students (and other people) are just like us!" I also find myself understanding this struggle.
It's easy to get caught up in our own lives and not appreciate the lives and struggles of others. It's easy to be so busy that you forget that there is a very real world going on outside of our worry and our doubt and our work. I guess I am reaching this strange phase of existential crisis where I am wondering why in the hell I am going through this whole school thing for many many more years BY CHOICE. In doing so, I am pretty much guaranteeing that I will always be behind on reading, spend way too long creating lesson plans, not have time to email my grandma, and develop ulcers from worrying about how broke I am.
I remember thinking I had those problems as an undergrad, but in hindsight, they were really much smaller. Being behind on reading meant a chapter or two, not an entire novel. Worrying about money meant skipping seeing a movie with friends, not being late on a rent payment. As I grow, it always seems the worries that seemed so rational and huge at one time are easily replaced by much more difficult problems. And that type of endless cycle makes a person wonder why we do it.
The logical side of my brain went to grad school because she didn't know what else to do instead and knows that a MA degree means more than a BA. She chose English because that's what she is best at and doesn't mind spending time on. The romantic, naive side of my brain became a graduate student because he (yes, my romantic brain side is male) loves to learn and to teach. Nothing makes him happier than explaining how to create an essay or rewording something to make it sound amazing. And I listen to the romantic, naive side, because if I didn't, the world would have no color, no spark, no life.
My mentor recently asked our class: Are you a college student yet? Many of them didn't follow the abstract question until she explained it further. She meant: Have you become active participants in your learning? Do you understand how to balance the new-found freedom and hold yourself personally accountable? Have you grown up?
And I find myself asking the same question: Am I a graduate student yet?
Hi Olivia, I hear you. It isn't easy. But at its best, it's fun; I try to focus on the fun aspects of it when the not-so-fun things are what I am doing.
ReplyDeleteWhenever I get frustrated, I try to remind myself how much I've learned as a result of being a grad student.
I can navigate life much better as an adult than I did at 18, 19, 22, and part of that comes from the expectation that I would take responsibility for my own time and schedule.
Grad school has taught me a lot about being a professional, handling interactions with people I don't know very well (if at all), and using time well. I know it's hard, but it really does get exciting, and teaches me a lot.
Well, damn, Olivia. Why you gotta be so profound?
ReplyDeleteSeriously, though, I hear you 100 percent. I have thought many of the same things, too. I think my decision to pursue graduate school is probably due to my (problematic) endless desire to prove myself to myself and those around me who doubt me.
Sometimes I wonder why I am going through this when I could be living my dream life on a farm, rescuing abandoned pit bulls, growing food, making things. What's a graduate degree got to do with all that?
But then, I remind myself of how much I like teaching, tutoring, learning, and being around colleagues who value similar educational ideas. And that's mostly why I continue my education.
I really like this post. I mean, I don't like you being so stressed, but I like where you ended with this. I know that feeling. Take care of yourself and come see me if you need to talk.
ReplyDelete